Humor

Best New Jokes: April 22, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THIS WEEK’S WORST PUNS

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.


What are friends for?

THIS WEEK, PLAY MEETING BINGO

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here’s a way to change all of that!

1. Before or during your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare a “Bullshit Bingo” card by drawing a square (I find that 5″ x 5″ is a good size). Divide the card into columns and rows – five across and five down.
That will give you 25 1″ blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

synergy
strategic fit
core competencies
best practice
bottom line
revisit
take that off-line
24/7
out of the loop
benchmark
value-added
proactive
win-win
think outside the box
fast track
result-driven
empower (or empowerment)
knowledge base
at the end of the day
touch base
mind set
client focus(ed)
ballpark
game plan
leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those
words/phrases.

4.When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”

Testimonials from satisfied “Bullshit Bingo” players:

“I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won.” — Jack W.,Boston

“My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.” — David D.,Florida

“The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed “BULLSHIT!” for the third time in two hours.” — Kathleen L., Baltimore


NEW BOOK FROM THE MASTERS

Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggart have written an impressive new book … It’s called: “Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”


HUNTING LESSON

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said,”Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field,” An hour later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I told you to be quiet,”

The son answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and heldmy breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat.

I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when thetwo chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, “Should we eat them here or take them with us”? Well, I guess I just panicked”.


MOVIE SEX

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled the mood.


LOOKING FOR LOVE IN THE PERSONALS

Single Black Female (SBF)… Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a svelte good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have meeating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.”

Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Lab.


KISS THIS!

The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you tokiss his ring.


PERSONALS ADS, TRANSLATED

WOMEN’S ADS

40-ish (49)
Adventurer (Slept with of your friends)
Athletic (No breasts)
Average looking (Has a face like a basset hound)
Beautiful (Pathological liar)
Contagious Smile (Does a lot of Ecstasy)
Educated (Had sex with her Political Science professor)
Emotionally Secure (Medicated)
Feminist (Fat ball buster)
Free spirit (Junkie)
Friendship first (Trying to live down reputation as a slut)
Fun (Annoying)
Gentle (Comatose)
Good Listener (Borderline Autistic)
New-Age (All body hair, all the time)
Old-fashioned (Lights out, missionary position only, no oral sex)
Open-minded (Desperate)
Outgoing (Loud and Embarrassing)
Passionate (Sloppy drunk)
Poet (Depressive Schizophrenic)
Professional (Certified Bitch)
Redhead (Bad dye-job)
Reubenesque (Grossly Fat)
Romantic (Looks better by candle)
Social (Has been passed around like an hors d’oeuvres tray)
Voluptuous (Very Fat)
Weight proportion w/ height (Hugely fat — as tall as you are wide)
Wants Soul mate (Stalker)
Widow (Drove first husband to shoot himself)
Young at heart (Old bat)

MEN’S ADS

40-ish (52 and looking for 25-yr-old)
Athletic (Watches a lot of NASCAR)
Average looking (Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back)
Educated (Will patronize you to death)
Free Spirit (Having sex with your sister)
Friendship first (As long as friendship involves sex)
Fun (Good with a TV remote and a six pack)
Good looking (Arrogant)
Very good looking (Dumb as a box of rocks)
Honest (Pathological Liar)
Huggable (Overweight, more body hair than a bear)
Likes to cuddle (Insecure mama’s boy)
Mature (Older than your father)
Open-minded (Wants to sleep with your roommate, but she’s not interested)
Physically fit (Does a lot of 12-ounce curls)
Poet (Once wrote ex-girlfriend’s name on a bathroom stall)
Sensitive (Cries at chick flicks)
Very sensitive (Gay)
Spiritual (Had sex in a cemetery once)
Stable (Arrested for stalking, but not convicted)
Thoughtful (Says “excuse me” when he farts)


SIX PRESIDENTS…

are on a sinking ship.
Ford says, “What do we do???”
Bush says, “Man the life boats!”
Reagan says, “Huh, What lifeboats?”
Carter says, “Women first!”
Nixon says, “Screw the women!”
Clinton says, “You think we have time?”


AND, FINALLY, THIS WEEK’S WINNING BLONDE JOKE

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there’s a “peel and win” sticker on her coffee cup. So she’s peels it off and starts screaming,

“I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!” The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch.”

But the blonde keeps screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”

Finally, the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken. You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize!”

The blonde says, “No it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!”
She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads…

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