Humor

Best New Jokes: April 21, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

WHY I AM TIRED

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason:

I’m tired because I’m overworked. Here’s why:

The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice…


GREAT TRUTH ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.


GREAT TRUTH ABOUT LIFE:
No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.


STORY WITH A MORAL

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. “Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, ’till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?

“Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”


GREAT TRUTH ABOUT LIFE:
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.


HIGH MATH

The owner of a golf course in Mississippi was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some help with the math. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Tennessee. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off.?

The secretary thought for a moment and then replied….. “Everything but my earrings!”


GREAT TRUTH ABOUT LIFE:
Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.


WISE INDIAN CHIEF

An old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him. “Chief Two Eagles,” one official began. “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done.”

The Chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?” The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and calmly replied: “When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes.

No debt.

Plenty buffalo.

Plenty beaver.

Women did all the work.

Medicine man free.

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to women

The Chief leaned back and smiled, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”


GREAT TRUTH ABOUT LIFE:
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.


WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE?

“I should be in charge” said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

“I should be in charge” said the eyes, “because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

“I should be in charge” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story?

.The a**hole is usually in charge


GREAT TRUTH ABOUT LIFE:
You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.


CROSSING THE DESERT

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit.

There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. “Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor.” “What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story? If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached


GREAT TRUTH ABOUT LIFE:
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.


BLONDES GO TO HEAVEN – AN EASTER JOKE

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.”

St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.”

St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, So, tell me.”

She said,” Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder

St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good.”

Then the blonde continued, “Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.”

St. Peter fainted.


GREAT TRUTH ABOUT LIFE:
The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

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