Humor

Best New Jokes: April 19, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

PAYBACK

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


HAVEN’T YOU EVER WONDERED?

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won’t stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won’t shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I’m happy when I’m not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won’t fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I’d really like to know………..
Is what tells each one where to go!


Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends ….
None of us can remember anything.


MAY YOUR LAST CHECK BOUNCE BEFORE YOU DIE

Did we retire just to continue working hard, still not smelling the roses? Seems that Frank did. His pathetic life needs help and it needs it now. Any takers?


There are two theories to arguing with a woman…
neither works. – Will Rogers


ADVICE FROM THE MILITARY

“Aim towards the Enemy.” -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -US Marine Corps

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” -USAF Ammo Troop

If the enemy is in range, so are you.” -Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” -Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” -US Air Force Manual

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” -Infantry Journal

“Tracers work both ways.” -US. Army Ordnance

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” -Infantry Journal

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” -Infantry Journal

“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” -USAF Ammo Troop


The hardest years in life are those between
ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)


LONG LOST FRIEND

In the men’s room this morning, i was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly, for no discernible reason, he confided in me that he hadn’t seen his penis in 15 years.

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, i said … “Why don’t you diet?”

Giving me a surprised stare, he said, “dye it?” For god’s sake, “what color is it now?”


A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.
A woman must do what he can’t. -Rhonda Handsome


HOG HEAVEN

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will ! I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied, “If they’re in the grass grazing in the morning, then they’re pregnant, if they’re in the mud, then they’re not.”

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn’t get out of bed.

He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field.”

“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”


When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler


THIS WEEK’S KERRY JOKE

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “130.” So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, “This is really cool.”

Another gent came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man responded, “100.” So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, “Wow, this is really cool.”

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “70.” The robot then said, “So, are you Democrats really going to nominate John Kerry?”


I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor


THIS WEEK’S BUSH JOKE

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on

Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she

never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock.

The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.” “Where’s Bush’s clock?” asked the man.

“Bush’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”


My second favorite household chore is ironing.
My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck


THE FUNERAL

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the huge heart opened, and the cardiologists’ casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed…. sealing the cardiologist within the beautiful heart forever.

One of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said: “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a gynecologist.”

It was at that point the proctologist fainted.


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.
I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to
her head.

The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it!”

The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”


A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic
who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow

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