Humor

Best New Jokes: April 17, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Dead End Sign Graveyard
NEXT WEEK: SENIOR SEX.
(May turn out to be a very short page. )

FRED. DEAD.

A woman went into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read ‘Fred Brown died.’”

Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the editor stammers that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again counts on her fingers and replies, “In that case, ‘Fred Brown dead. 1983 pick-up for sale.‘“


The trouble with heart disease
is that the first symptom is
often hard to deal with- sudden death.”
Michael Phelps 


I’m not that I’m afraid to die,
I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen. 


ONE MORE TIME

The police recently busted a man selling “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.


Two Cemetaries Sign


BILL GATES MEETS HIS PROGRAMMER

Bill Gates died suddenly and finds himself face to face with God.

God stands over him and says, “Well Bill, I’m really confused on this one. It’s a tough decision. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America.

But you also created that ghastly Windows ’95 among other indiscretions. I believe I’ll do something I’ve never done before; I’ll let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, “Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?”

Looking slightly puzzled, God said, “Better yet, why don’t I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?”

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, “I think I’ll try Hell first.”

So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was beautiful and clean, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about.

A smile came across Bill’s face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. “This is great,” he thought, “if this is Hell, I can’t wait to see Heaven.”

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven.

Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, yelled for God, told him his decision and was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

“So, how is everything going?” God asked.

Bill responded with a cracking voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! It’s nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!!

I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to the other place,with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?”

“That was the demo,” replied God.


For three days after death, hair and fingernails
continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”
Johnny Carson. 


ANOTHER TEAR JERKER

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My husband’s.”

Maxine Cartoon

“What happened to him?” The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. “Can I borrow the dog?”

“Sure. Get in line.”


If your time hasn’t come,
not even a doctor can kill you.”
MA Perlstein 


OBITUARY

When the husband died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. As soon as were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.“

Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”


At my age I do what Mark Twain did.
I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page
and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.”
Patrick Moore.


“I don’t want to achieve immortality
through my work,
I want to achieve it through not dying.”
Woody Allen. 


IT WAS A MIRACLE

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They opened the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lived for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: “BE CAREFUL!!! WATCH THAT DAMN WALL!!!!!!!”


“There are three natural anaesthetics:
Sleep, fainting, and death.”
Oliver Wendell Holmes


TWO ZOMBIES

Two zombies went into the undertaker’s. “I’d like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,” said the first zombie.

“Certainly, sir,” said the undertaker, “but there was really no need to bring him with you.”


At my age
flowers scare me.”
George Burns


NOW WHAT?

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”

“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!”

“I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”


“Death is just nature’s way
of telling you to slow down.”
Dick Sharples 


DEADLY!

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted “Avalanche!” The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped.

The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted “Flood!” And escaped. The teacher was then lead out.

The squad took aim and the teacher, remembering how the other two had escaped, shouted “Fire!”


The report of my death
was an exaggeration.”
Mark Twain. 


THRIFTY. DEADLY.

At the inquest into her husband’s death by food poisoning, Mrs. Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband’s last words.

“Yes,” she replied. “He said ‘I don’t know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin.”


“On the plus side, death
is one of the few things that can be done
as easily lying down.”
Woody Allen.


DOIN’ THE HOKEY POKEY

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey” died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.

They put his left leg in.

Well, you know the rest.


My luck is so bad
that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.”
Ed Furgol
. 


DEAD, REALLY REALLY, DEAD

“Why are you crying Fred?” asked the teacher. “

‘Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk.”

“Fred,” said the teacher. “You must have known that Wisk’s bad for parrots.”

“Oh it wasn’t the Wisk that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier.”


Death is life’s way of telling you
you’ve been fired.


THIS WEEK’S BEST DEAD BLONDE JOKE

Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven.

St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favorite creation.”

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”

The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.
Duckling Cartoon
The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”

Note: This duck left over from
the Easter jokes.


Good health is merely the slowest
possible rate at which one can die.


LIVING WILL

I, ______, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood ethically challenged politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a _____ it should be presumed that I won’t ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the hypocritical members of the Legislature (State or Federal) enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren’t in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case.

I don’t care how many fundamentalist votes they’re trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else’s life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn’t care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don’t know these people, and I certainly haven’t authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.


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