Humor

Best New Jokes: April 16, 2012

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


FACTOIDS 4 U

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!


A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.



MO’ FACTOIDS

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first “Marlboro Man.”

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but, not downstairs.

A duck’s quack doesn’t echo.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.



BIRD FLU

A bear, a lion, and a chicken meet.

Bear says: “If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear.”

Lion says: “And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire Savannah is afraid of me.”

“Big deal!” says the chicken. “I only have to cough, and the whole planet freaks out.”


Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.



NEW WORDS FOR 2012:
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single ! Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example – Michael Jackson, another…

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap! out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,”

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.


Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.


I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.



WHEN A CORPORATION HIRES CANNIBALS

“You are all part of our team now,” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees.”

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?”

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, “You fool!!! For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But nooooooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!”


Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have POWER SURGES!!



DRUNK AGAIN

A good-ol’-boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.

Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: “You were drunk again last night!!!”

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: “Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” she said, “there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly… It’s all those band aids stuck all over the downstairs mirror!”


Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.



HOW THE CHURCH IS CHANGING

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now. The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest.

“I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“Well,” said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“I know, son,” replied the elderly priest, “but that flashing neon sign, “‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go To Hell’ can’t stay on the church roof.”


Don’t go gray without bitchin’ all the way!


REAL ANSWERS GIVEN BY KIDS ON SCIENCE TESTS…

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarian Section”
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


Sometimes it helps to count to 10 on your fingers.
Or just one, if you know what I’m saying.


YET ANOTHER SECRET TO LONG LIFE

(1) Just one God.

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.

(3) No tellin’ tales or gossipin’.

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin’

(5) Put nothin’ afore God.

(6) No foolin’ around with a nother fellow’s gal.

(7) No killin.’

(8) Watch yer mouth.

(9) Don’t take what ain’t yers.

(10) Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff.

Now that’s kinda plain an’ simple, don’t ya think?
Y’all have a nice day.


Found something at the swimsuit shop I was
really comfortable in. The dressing room.


THE ONLY 11 TIMES THE F-WORD HAS BEEN ACCEPTABLE

11. “What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?” — Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. “What the @#$% was that?” — Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” — Custer, 1877

8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.” — Einstein, 1938

7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” — Picasso, 1926

6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?” — Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?” — Michelangelo, 1566

4. “Where the @#$% are we?” — Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!” — Noah, 4314 BC

2. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” — Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll…

1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @#$%ing mad.” — Sadaam Hussein, 2003


I’m thinking of renewing my vow…

to never get married again.


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So ya’ll want to be a cop, eh?” The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a filefolder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. “Now,” he said, “Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective grabbed the photo, shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face!”

“You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying “All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I did. This man wears contact lenses.”

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “DUH ! ! ! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses!”


I work out every day. Mostly frustrations & anger.


OUR FAVORITE MAXINES FOR THIS WEEK

WIN:

I have a one-step program for dealing with stress.

Well, one step and a kick to be exact.

PLACE:

I’ll carpool when I can find three people who don’t talk,

sweat, whistle, or use cologne.

TAGS

About

This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!

The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.

"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."

Retired.com

"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."

Suzette Martinez Standring

"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."

Alexa.com

KUDOS

Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News.