Humor

Best New Jokes: April 16, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


A GUY’S PERFECT BREAKFAST

You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.

Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.

Your wife is on the back of the milk carton



THE PINCH

One morning a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose.” While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.”

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother.


EXPLANATIONS YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR…..

What’s the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good
looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?
Say, “Nice Dick.”

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.


DOG LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, When my foster mom’s friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What’s he been rolling around in?

Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can’t make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?

Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I’ve been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?

Dear God, I’ve always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don’t. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem.

Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me ‘cuz they think I’m jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I’m innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors?


THE COUPLE

A couple is sharing some pillow talk one night, when the woman asks her husband: “If I died, would you remarry?”

He replies, “Well, I wouldn’t want to be lonely, so I imagine in time I would remarry.”

She asks, “Would you live in this house?”

“I love our home, it’s beautiful, and I really couldn’t imagine living anywhere else.”

She asks again, “Would you two sleep in this bed?”

He replies, “This bed is extremely comfortable, and I’ve always loved this bed, I think I’d keep it.”

“Well, would you let her drive my car?

“No,” he says, “she can’t drive a stick.”



SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS BY FAMOUS WOMEN

01. I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde. -Dolly Parton

02. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly eve see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong-

03. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want
to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-

04. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner-

05. I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman-

06. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck-

07. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

08. I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

09. I think-therefore I’m single. -Lizz Winstead-

10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.
-Gilda Radner-

13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-

14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem-

15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Gloria Steinhem-



BLISSFUL POISON

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.”

“Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.”

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake.”

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