Humor

Best New Jokes: April 15, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THINK I MAY HAVE GONE TO A BAD TAX SERVICE

– They asked if I wanted fries with that refund.

– I overheard my preparer muttering to himself, “What would Bono do?”

– Their corporate motto: “Never Convicted!”

– When the guy was done with my return, he shook a bag of chicken bones at it to dispel evil spirits


REMEMBER WHEN SERVICE STATIONS GAVE SERVICE?

What a quaint concept! Service at a service station? Today, it’s as bizarre a notion to anyone under 40 as a gentleman’s tipping his hat to a lady. Yet, 30 years ago, both were part of everyday America. Read what happened in this week’s Suddenly Senior column.


DUMB PACKAGING LABELS

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On Sears’ hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”

2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how. . . ?

4. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): “Do not turn upside down.” (Oops, too late!)

5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (As night follows the day . . . .)

6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (But wouldn’t this save even more time?)

7. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (One would hope)

8. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (As opposed to what?)

9. On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts.” (NEWS FLASH)

10. On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)


GOD’S LITTLE LEFTOVERS

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told them, “and I was wondering if either one of you would like that.”

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me.” On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, “Well, here’s the other thing and I guess you can have it.”

“What’s it called?” Eve asked.

“Brains” God said


MONKS IN A FUNK!

In a monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by handbooks that had already been copied by hand.

He had to speak up. “Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren’t copying someone else’s mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?”

Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before. “Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document.”

He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.

The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing.

“Father Justinian,” he called.

The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.

“Oh, my Lord,” sobbed Father Justinian, “the word is ‘celebrate’! ‘ Celebrate!'”


THE COLOR BLIND CAPTAIN

In the mid 60s a US Navy cruiser put in to port in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

Dear Captain:

Thursday will be my daughter Susan’s coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dancing with lovely young ladies. One Last point: No Jews-We don’t like Jews.

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened to find, in dress uniform, four tall, broad-shouldered, handsome, exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers.

Her lower jaw dropped, but pulling herself together she stammered, “There must be some mistake.”

“I doubt it, Madam,” said the first officer, “Captain Cohen doesn’t make mistakes.”


DOCTOR’S ADVICE

A lady goes to a doctor; she’s worried about her husband.

“What’s the problem with your husband?” the doctor queries.

“Well I think he’s either got AIDS for Alzheimer’s, I can’t tell which. What should I do?”

“Well,” the doctor says, “Take him out on a car ride and leave him a couple of miles from home. If he comes back home, don’t have sex with him.”


BORN A BAPTIST

A Baptist man lived in a traditional Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics were driven crazy because, while they were morosely eating fish, the Baptist was outside barbecuing steaks.

The Catholics worked on the Baptist, attempting to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after much pleading and some threats, the Catholics succeeded.

They took the Baptist to a priest who sprinkled Holy Water on the man while saying, “Born a Baptist, Raised a Baptist, Now a Catholic!”

The Catholics were ecstatic but this was short-lived for, the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue once again drifted through the neighborhood.

The Catholics all rushed to the ex-Baptist’s house to remind him of his new diet. They found him standing over the grill cooking steaks, sprinkling water on the meat and saying, “Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish!”


THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND AN ALLIGATOR?

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.”

The crowd agrees.

The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a blonde woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”


Q: WHY DID THE GOOD LORD INVENT ALCOHOL?

A: To keep the Irish from ruling the world.


SUPER GRANNY — DEFENDER OF JUSTICE (TRUE STORY)

An elderly Florida granny did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice,

“I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why…

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The Sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

God bless Seniors


AND FINALLY, THOUGHTS FOR TODAY:

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

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