Humor

Best New Jokes: April 10, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

A DOG TALKS TO GOD

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God
: Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember – to be a good dog.

  1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
  2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
  3. I will not munch on “leftovers” in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
  4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
  5. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.. neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.
  6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
  7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  8. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and registration.
  9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
  10. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello.”
  11. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
  12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
  13. I will not throw up in the car.
  14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
  15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
  16. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last question . . .

Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?


“I wonder if other dogs think poodles
are members of a weird religious cult.”
Rita Rudner


HOW MANY DOGS
DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there …

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance,
and to turn around three times before lying down.”
Robert Benchley


DOGGIE DAYS

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the “dog house.”

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two for one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture, but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture, and then we’ll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he’s not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers, but not with his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores or farts, he’s got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and fart and have nightmares in bed, but he’s not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I’m now sleeping. That’s just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as “primary resident,” even if it’s true.


“Anybody who doesn’t know
what soap tastes like
never washed a dog.”
Franklin P. Jones


TALKING DOG FOR SALE

This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.”

The guy says he’ll buy him, but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar.”


“The reason a dog has so many friends
is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.”
Anonymous


SWINGING SINGLE

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever


“”We give dogs time we can spare,
space we can spare and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all.
It’s the best deal man has ever made”
M. Facklam


DOUBLE BUBBLE

A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so I told him to bring the animal over.

When the man came in with his dog, the vet examined the animal as the man stood by, anxiously waiting the vet’s opinion. At last the doctor turned to him and asked, “Do you have any children?”

“Oh my gosh, is it contagious?” the man gasped.

“No,” the doctor answered. “It’s bubble gum.”


If there are no dogs in Heaven,
then when I die I want to go where they went.”
Will Rogers


GOD-DOG CONNECTION

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.


“If I have any beliefs about immortality,
it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven,
and very, very few persons.”
James Thurber


K9 PATROL

A deputy with the sheriff’s department canine unit was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded him to enter and seek.

Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out.

The deputy had never seen his faithful companion do that before. Then he saw the sign on the building that read: “Veterinarian’s Office.”


Don’t accept your dog’s admiration
as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
Ann Landers


THE DALMATIAN

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian.

The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”


“There is no psychiatrist in the world
like a puppy licking your face.”
Ben Williams


ROYAL FLUSH

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

“This is a very smart dog,” the man commented.

“Not so smart,” said one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”


My dog is worried about the economy
because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.”
Joe Weinstein


TO YOU WHO DON’T LIKE DOGS

1. They live here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train.

They usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, and don’t worry about buying the latest fashions.

They don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children


“A dog is the only thing on earth
that loves you more than he loves himself.”
Josh Billings


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE’S DOGGY JOKE

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. “You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch with him.”

“I can’t play fetch with my dog,” the blonde said.

“Why not?” the doctor asked.

“Because,” she replied, “He can’t throw.”


Money will buy a fine dog
but, only kindness
will make him wag his tail.


CONGRATULATIONS, CHARLES AND CAMILLA

Prince Charles was reversing his Land Rover out of the garage when he ran over the Queen’s favorite corgi. He got out and found the corgi dead, squashed to a pulp. Just then a Genie popped up and said “Your highness I can give you one wish. What would you like?”

The Prince said “This is mummy’s favorite dog. Can you bring it back to life?”.

So the Genie said “Let’s have a look at the dog.” “Oh no, nothing can be done with this dog, you ran over it with the Land Rover there is too much damage to the dog … nothing can be done”.

“But you must,” says the Prince, “It’s mummy’s favorite!”.

“I’m sorry” said the Genie, “there’s no way I can bring it back to life”.

“OK” said the prince, “But do I still have a wish?”.

“Yes”, said the Genie.

“Well”, said the Prince, “I’m marrying Camilla today. Could you make her as beautiful as Diana was?”. 

The Genie thought for a while then said “Let’s have another look at the dog”.


“I wonder what goes through his mind
when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.”
Penny Ward Moser


SUDDENLY SENIOR
TIP OF THE WEEK

April is Prevention of Animal Cruelty Month

Visit the Petfinder.com Library and read articles on how you can help in the fight against animal cruelty. This site is sponsored by the ASPCA

April also celebrates American Humane’s Tag Day and National Pet ID Week

Now is a great time to make sure your pets are wearing tags with up-to-date identification information. Visit the Finding a Lost Pet chapter of the Petfinder.com Library for articles with helpful tips on locating missing pets.

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