Humor

Best New Jokes: April 1, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

LITTLE KNOWN FACT

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Canadians or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Canadians or Americans.

The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Canadians or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also eat a lot of fat, but suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Canadians or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.


Q: Are birth control pills deductible?

A: Only if they don’t work


THE AFTERLIFE

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. The woman’s biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go and true to his word, he made contact. “Mary… Mary…. “

“Is that you Fred?”

“Yes, I have come back like we agreed.”

“What is it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.”

“Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.”

“Hell no, I’m a rabbit in Kansas.”


Q. What do women and tax forms have in common?

A. Some men love to cheat on them.


THE LABOR MACHINE

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.


AND WE THOUGHT ALL THAT STOPPED ON 9/11

“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”—Tokyo, Japan, Feb. 18, 2002


40 SECOND AMUSEMENT

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud:

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.


WORST ANALOGIES EVER WRITTEN IN A HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
……………………………………………………..

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
………………………………………………………

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
…………………………………………………………..

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
………………………………………………………………

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Helen Hopp, Yucaipa)
………………………………………………………………

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) ………………………………………………………………

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling-Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)



TODAY’S OLDIE BUT GOODIE

A man appears before the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, “Leave her alone NOW or you’ll answer to me!”

St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?”

The man answered……”A couple of minutes ago.”


INCREDIBLE ANAGRAMS

SLOT MACHINES-
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ‘EM

SNOOZE ALARMS-
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO! MORE Z’S

A DECIMAL POINT-
When you rearrange the letters: I’M A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO-
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE


OUR TAX DOLLARS @ WORK

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300c.

The Russians used a pencil.


ASSICONS

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

( _ E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

..oo*”””**oo.oo*””*oo..
oo*” “*o.o*” “*o.
.o” ‘o” “o
o o *o
.o o ‘o
o o o.
o o o
o o/ o
o –0– o
o. /o o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
‘ooo. oo. ooo
o “”oo,, ,,oO-‘Oo, ,,,,,oo”o
o. “””””” oo “”””” o
‘o oo o’
o oo o
‘o o o*
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

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