November 12, 2012

WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW BY THE TIME THEY'RE SENIOR

by Frank Kaiser

I don't know what wise souls put these thoughts down. My wife, Carolyn, found them scattered around that home of treasure, the internet.

A woman needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.

Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

You can either control your attitude or let it control you.

You have the right to become angry, but never the right to be cruel.

Consider the opinions of others, but never live by them.

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.

Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Money is a lousy way of keeping score.

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

Never marry a man you meet in a bar.

If he says that you are too good for him — believe it.

True friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same for true love.

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

Never pass up an opportunity to tell someone you love them, or to show them.

Background and circumstance may influence who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

Choose only the sweetest of words. You may have to eat them.

Something done in an instant can give you heartache for life.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

When you think you have no more to give, and a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.

Living well really is the best revenge. So is looking well.

Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.

Work is good but it's not important.

Life's short. Eat dessert first.

Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

Never under estimate the kindness of your fellow man. Or his need to be needed.

When you find the person who will share your days and nights, don't try to change them. Just enjoy who and what they are.

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

And finally.... People you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

Ain't it great being senior?

© 2001 — Frank Kaiser

Suddenly Senior - the nationally syndicated column read by 3.1-million over age 50 in 176 countries who've become senior way before their time.

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