I don't know about you. I can't wait to get my $300 tax rebate.

Can you imagine? That compassionate softy in the White House actually thought of the likes of little old me. I'll tell you, this $300 windfall changes my mind about the man.

I'm one happy senior just to get a crumb of the $1.35 trillion coming back to Americans in the next 11 years.

After all, I'm not wealthy.

I'm not connected.

I 'm not even a Republican!

Yet I, too, can participate in this, the greatest treasury giveaway in a generation.

I gotta be proud.

Not everyone gets this refund. Millions of Americans earning minimum wage or so — probably needing that $300 far more than I — won't get a penny. Although they pay lots in payroll taxes, this is an income tax refund. It's for us, not them. If the president chooses to ignore these people, that's good enough for me.

Like His Bushness says, "If you don't pay taxes, you don't get a tax rebate." Keeps those slackers where they belong.

For me, it's found money. And I don't mind telling you, I'm mighty grateful.

The big question is how I'm going to spend this boon.

My first thought was to take a nice cruise. You know, South Sea Islands, bare-breasted babes. Chocolate cake 'round the clock. But my travel agent pointed out that $300 might buy me a couple hundred miles out to sea. I'd better be able to walk on water from there.

Then I had a sudden brainstorm! I'd use the money to return to my upcoming 45th college reunion. It would be my first since graduation.

But would I remember anyone? Would anyone remember me? And, come to think of it, wouldn't all those folks be — well — old, speaking only of grandchildren and wearing yellow golf slacks buckled at the chest.

Anyway, just flying there and back would blow my $300 budget. So never mind.

Let's see. I could use the refund to make up the difference Alan Greenspan has made to my income by halving the interest on my CD. Need a lot more than 300 measly bucks, though. In fact, if CD interest counts as taxable income, I won't have to worry about what to do with a refund next year.

I've got it! I'll spend the money on prescription drugs I'm supposed to be taking but can't afford. That might make me feel better. But only in the short term. A month, maybe. Then, without the medicine, I'm back to my miserable self again. Why bother?

Anyway, I'd like to get something tangible, something that will always say to me, "This is what George the Younger provided just for you back in 2001."

At The Sharper Image, $300 buys a CD Alarm/Clock/Sound Soother with Talking Time. Among the "20 digitally recorded environment soundscapes" are birds of the Redwood Forests, fresh, clean sea breezes, even an endangered whale singing to his beloved.
I'd consider it George W's personal legacy to me: Sounds that may not be around much longer.

Suddenly Trivia: When the National Debt Clock near Times Square was taken down last year, how much was "your family's share of the debt?" a) $300, b) $12, 044, c) $73,733.

Three hundred dollars will buy me a Saber-Tooth Tiger Skull at The Edge Company. This thing, measuring a full 13" x 8" x 13" is truly scary with its seven-inch fangs. As the copy says, "12,000 years ago it stalked prey in your backyard." It would be a poignant reminder of the Alpha Dogs now stalking us from Washington.

This is one tough decision!

Maybe I'd better forget the whole thing.

With our president determined to build a missile defense system that, for starters, will cost $60 billion, perhaps I ought to give my $300 back. If all those scientists and engineers are right about the system never, ever working, George will to need all the dough he can find.

What about you? How will you spend your $300 tax rebate?

Suddenly Trivia Answer: c) $73,733, of a total of $5,676,989,904,887. At one point in the mid-1990s, the debt was rising so fast the clock's computer crashed.

© 2001 — Frank Kaiser

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