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ONLY IN FLORIDA

A Senior Looks at the Strangest State in the Union
and Doubles Up with Laughter


Back in our day, school was, well, a bore. Today, teachers on bikes seduce 14-year-old boys, science teachers share their home-grown pot, and soon Florida students can shoot bullies, teachers, even parents pretty much at will.

As if we didn't have enough problems down here. In addition to ever more savage hurricanes, rapacious developers, and arguably the most venal politicians on earth, Florida now claims the title, Python Capital of the Nation.

Only the latest senior sex scandal, this involving Florida’s “The Villages.” Locals don’t know whether to laugh or gross out. But there’s a good reason for seniors running wild. Read all about it here.

In Florida, geezers rule. If a politician wants to stop us from driving, we just shoot him. It's the law down here.
Is this the end of the road? The final step before The Last Roundup? Living in the land of "Early Bird Specials," shuffleboard, and shuffling octogenarians, Frank takes a look at his new home "On Top of the World."
Readers warned me: One more disparaging word about President Bush and God would get me. Now, after four hurricanes that may or may not be my fault, I've got the whole state of Florida mad at me, especially poor little Babson Park.
If you ever want to get away from it all, and return to the friendlier world you knew as a kid, I suggest that you visit or retire to Florida's Madison County. Its comfort and ease is akin to that first deep breath you take as you step off a jet following a particularly harrowing flight.
A Field Guide to Fla. Hurricanes for those considering retirement down here.Three days that changed our Florida world. What it was like before, during, and after the most destructive hurricane since Andrew.
Magazines now push seniors to be younger, more energetic, more robust. "70 is the new 50!" If 75-year-old Sean Connery is now the “Sexist Man Alive,‘ I’ll have what he’s having. If not, maybe we should simply act our age and enjoy life.
One minute you're a male sex object, the next, you're a lecherous old fart with bad breath, bad teeth, and badly in need of Viagra.