Home Lots More Columns Get Column E-mailed 222 Best Senior Links Week's Best Jokes Pans and Praise
Today's Column Senior Travel Other Good Stuff Epic Senior Trivia Bee's Knees Nostalgia Forum

AH, TO BE A KID TODAY!
IN FLORIDA.
By Frank Kaiser

Look back, way back. Recall with me those glorious school days of the '30s, '40s and '50s, even if all we see is distorted by the rose lens of nostalgia.

No crime. No fences. No busing. (Remember? We trekked miles to class, barefoot in the snow, uphill both ways.)

We never talked back to teachers.

Everyone knew and loved everyone else.

God was in His Kingdom, and all was well.

Except. In those pre-Playboy, pre-Janet Jackson days of yore, hormone-crazed boys like me made do with dog-eared eight-pagers, Sears underwear ads, and the occasional National Geographic featuring naked pygmy women.

No wonder so many of us, sublimating money for sex, grew up to be horny millionaires, aggressive in the boardroom, bumblers in bed.

Personally, I'd rather be a kid in school today, especially here in Florida.

Consider Debra Beasley Lafave, the 23-year-old Tampa middle-school teacher, recently charged with having sex with her 14-year-old student. The deeds allegedly took place In her classroom, at her apartment and, once, in an SUV while the teen's 15-year-old cousin drove.

Check her out. Here's a woman who looks like she could teach a man to forget to grow old.

Of course it's way politically incorrect to say this, but why oh why did nothing like that ever happen to me when I was 14? Or 16 or 18? The closest I ever came was when Miss Seaberg's left breast flopped out of her blouse as she picked up a piece of chalk dropped while engaging in a bracing discussion on gerunds.

It wasn't the same.

In fact, nothing at Park Ridge, Illinois' Maine Township High School, circa 1950, was remotely as sexually engaging as any Florida school today. This explains a lot about the views and behavior of Hillary Clinton, the US Senator and National Honor Society member who graduated from the same school.

Today's high school kids regularly "hook up," a charming euphemism for sex without expectation. And at those religious institutions that Gov. Jeb Bush's educational system favors over public schools, kids signing chastity oaths are likely to exchange oral sex as part of a balanced study plan.

Although our governor always seems to be in a race to the bottom with his older brother's Texas record - most executions, least dollars spent on schools and social services, most gerrymandered state - our Jeb wins hands down in the "graduating seniors" category, placing dead last with less than half of entering high school students earning a diploma.

Yet, to be a student today means never having to say you're sorry.

In the name of building self-esteem, school these days is a place, like Lake Woebegone, "where all the grades are above average."

Not only does everyone get A's (We wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, would we?) but also there are never, ever any losers (except of course when the student leaves school and hits the wall of reality).

In Phys Ed — what we used to call gym — students take bases after striking out and jump rope with no rope. Nothing is ever present to trip up on.

Unlike those stern days when you and I were in school, teachers today are the students' friends. Buddies, even. (Occasionally much more!) Just as contemporary parents often feel that it's more worthy to be a sidekick than a disciplinarian, some teachers today share that view even as they share their booze and garage-grown marijuana. A science project, no doubt.

In our day, we felt lucky to get a smile.

As if it weren't already perfect in Paradise today, the National Rifle Association has just added frosting to the academic cake. Governor Bush is about to sign a bill that will allow any Floridian to shoot anyone, anywhere, anytime. If it's "reasonable."

Ain't that great! Let's face it, few of us ever feel unreasonably murderous. And what that means in school is that from now on bullies; even slowpokes and teachers' pets are fair game.

So until kids reach puberty, they can still find diversion blowing away anyone who gets in their face - bullies, teachers, parents, all are equal under this law.

Ah, to be a kid again! In Florida.

 © Copyright 2005—Frank Kaiser


GET MORE SENIOR NEWS YOU CAN USE. HERE. FREE!

We’ve expanded the coverage of our RxNews list to include Social Security, Financial, Military and Civilian Retiree News, even valuable information about annuities and when to use them.

Just send a blank e-mail to get-rxnews@suddenlysenior.com

Easy cancellation instructions come with every release.


COLUMNS TO ENJOY

TERRI’S ORDEAL SPLIT
BOTH FAMILY AND COUNTRY

A hard look at Jugglers for Jesus, police snipers, one woman’s wishes and her husband’s thankless, even dangerous task to fulfill them in the midst of spectacular hypocrisy and stunning sadness. Rest in peace, Terri. READ STORY HERE

APOLOGIES TO MY
YOUNGEST GRANDKIDS

My generation’s made a mess of things. Sorry, but it’s up to you to reclaim democracy. Here’s how to start. CLICK FOR FULL STORY

ROLLING THE DICE WITH
OUR SOCIAL SECURITY

Why is Washington scaring the hell out of us seniors proposing the plundering our nation's most reliable anti-poverty program and providing Wall Street with the spoils“ READ WHY HERE.


PLANNING A VACATION?

Suddenly Senior's Travel Page has a lot of new money-saving information you can use whether you're traveling 10 or 10,000 miles.


See a list and summaries of Suddenly Senior columns.
Click http://www.suddenlysenior.com/columnlist.html


FOUR FUNNY PAGES
OF GREAT SENIOR JOKES!

Suddenly Senior' Sexy Senior Jokes

Suddenly Senior's Favorite Senior Jokes

Suddenly Senior's Great Senior Jokes

Suddenly Senior's Corny Senior Jokes


THIS WEEK'S BEST 222 SENIOR SITES
http://www.suddenlysenior.com/links.shtml
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE BEST OF SENIOR SEX
http://www.suddenlysenior.com/sexpage.html
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SEE THE BEST SENIOR NOSTALGIA ANYWHERE, http://www.suddenlysenior.com/nostalgiapage.html
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SEE THE BEST SENIOR TRIVIA ANYWHERE, http://www.suddenlysenior.com/triviapage.html


Want to get "Monday's Best Jokes" e-mailed every week“ Send blank e-mail to get-jokes@suddenlysenior.com

To get the Suddenly Senior column, absolutely free, send blank e-mail to Get-ss@suddenlysenior.com

NEW! Get the latest Medicare and Canadian drug store news e-mailed almost every day, send blank e-mail to
Get-rxnews@suddenlysenior.com

To unsubscribe to the Suddenly Senior column, send a blank e-mail to Remove-sslist@suddenlysenior.com

To unsubscribe to This Week's Best Jokes, send a blank e-mail to Remove-jokes@suddenlysenior.com


Have a great weekend, everyone!

Frank

Frank Kaiser frank@suddenlysenior.com

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/

The nationally syndicated column seen by more than one and a half million Americans over 50 who've become senior before their time.

PicoSearch
FIND IT AT
SUDDENLY SENIOR!




SINCE 1999, AMERICA'S MOST TRUSTED SENIOR CITIZEN WEBSITE


Seniors Having Fun
• To be a Kid Today in Florida

How Suddenly Senior began
• E-MAIL FRANK


Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida’s St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News. CLICK FOR MORE INFO


ADVERTISE WITH
SUDDENLY SENIOR