 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
THIS WEEK’S BEST DRIVING JOKES FOR WEEK STARTING JUNE 5, 2005 WARNING: |
 |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
DRIVING TOO FAST?
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Got a favorite joke? Share it with us. Write frank@suddenlysenior.com | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. So the man reluctantly gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the darkness.  BETTER TRY LESS SPEED PER MILE THAT CAR MAY HAVE TO LAST AWHILE. BURMA SHAVE * * * PLEASE SUPPORT THIS WEEK'S SPONSOR * * *
Jokes sponsored by Le Pharmacy - * * * AND KEEP THE JOKES COMING * * * DRIVE!
A BEARD THAT ROUGH SMART ASS
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.  ROSES ARE RED KEEP ON TRUCKIN‘
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." I 
IT HAS A TINGLE THIS WEEK'S SUDDENLY SENIOR COLUMN THE GREEN BOMB It wasn't much on looks. It had more miles on it than God. The clutch slipped, the rear shocks didn't work, and inside it smelled like someone died. But that '39 Studebaker was my first car, my first true love. READ STORY HERE  HE TRIED TO CROSS AS A FAST TRAIN NEARED DEATH DIDN'T DRAFT HIM HE VOLUNTEERED. BURMA SHAVE SPEED FREAK
Granny gets pulled over for speeding. Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. I stole this car. I killed and hacked up the owner. His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing, nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman pulls out her license and hands it to the officer. He looks quite puzzled. 
MY CHEEK SAYS SHE WHY ITALIANS SELL MORE CARS THAN KOREANS
OUR FAVORITE BUMPER STICKERS
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Welcome to AMERICA...now speak English.  UNLESS YOUR FACE IS STINGER FREE YOU'D BETTER LET YOUR HONEY BE. BURMA SHAVE TEN SPEED
SHE EYED HIS BEARD ACCIDENT REPORTS The following are reported to be taken from actual insurance claims: Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
THE WHALE PUT JONAH WHERE DRIVERS ARE FROM
DOESN'T KISS YOU THIS WEEK'S BEST BLONDE JOKE
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying ,"Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said " Mister, why don't you just put it in park?"
TWINKLE-TWINKLE THIS WEEK’S SUDDENLY SENIOR TIP
VEHICLE FOLLOWING DISTANCES
• TWO-SECOND RULE: Following a vehicle too closely is called "tailgating." Use the two-second rule to determine a safe following distance. Select a fixed object on the road ahead such as a sign, tree or overpass. When the vehicle ahead of you passes the object, count "one-thousand-one, one-thousand-two." You should not reach the object before you count to one-thousand-two. If you do, you are following too closely. Most rear end collisions are caused by the vehicle in back following too closely. IN PAIN? BRAND NEW, FROM “OTHER GOOD STUFF” Who Do They Think They’re Kidding?
MORE GOOD ADVICE FOR GEEZERS Here's everything you ever wanted to know about senior moments and their cause, and surefire advice on what to do about them. Did we retire just to continue working hard, still not smelling the roses? Seems that Frank did. His pathetic life needs help and it needs it now. Any takers? "Hey, Cutie Pie. I've Got Viagra!" Dating, the second time around, has its pitfalls. Senior men seem to believe mature women want nothing more than a warm body who doesn't miss the toilet too often. Senior women claim they're lucky to find a man who can remember where he left his teeth. Learn the ugly truth here. GET MORE SENIOR NEWS We’ve expanded the coverage of our RxNews list to include Social Security, Financial, Military and Civilian Retiree News, even valuable information about annuities and when to use them. Just send a blank e-mail to get-rxnews@suddenlysenior.com Easy cancellation instructions come with every release. RECENT COLUMNS DRUG GIVEAWAYS OFTEN Big Pharma wants to give you free medicine! Proof that even corporate bullies like to be liked. Here’s where to call and what to do. Get into a patient assistance program. Before it’s too late! READ MORE HERE. EVEN MEDICARE CLUELESS Medicare’s new handbook forgets to mention the $2,850 “Donut Hole.” Congress forgets to be fair. And seniors everywhere are bending over to kiss their healthy butts goodbye. READ MORE HERE. WHEN DRUGSTORES WERE DRUGSTORES If you grew up when neighborhood drugstores sold little but medicine and sodas, when prescriptions cost 67 cents, and when Lime Rickeys, Green River, Lydia Pinkhams and Hadacol were “the mostest,” READ MORE HERE. PLANNING A VACATION? Suddenly Senior's Travel Page has a lot of new money-saving information you can use whether you're traveling 10 or 10,000 miles. See a list and summaries of Suddenly Senior columns. FOUR FUNNY PAGES Suddenly Senior' Sexy Senior Jokes THIS WEEK'S BEST 222 SENIOR SITES Want to get "Monday's Best Jokes" e-mailed every week“ Send blank e-mail to get-jokes@suddenlysenior.com To get the Suddenly Senior column, absolutely free, send blank e-mail to Get-ss@suddenlysenior.com NEW! Get the latest Medicare and Canadian drug store news e-mailed almost every day, send blank e-mail to To unsubscribe to the Suddenly Senior column, send a blank e-mail to Remove-sslist@suddenlysenior.com To unsubscribe to This Week's Best Jokes, send a blank e-mail to Remove-jokes@suddenlysenior.com Frank Kaiser http://www.suddenlysenior.com/ |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." 
My karma ran over your dogma.
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
I pulled into a crowded parking lot at a Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my dog, Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
After seeing Jack Nicholson get it on with much younger Amada Peet in “Something’s Gotta Give,” Suddenly Senior reader and author Jeannine Schenewerk wonders why we can’t turn the tables and have films depicting a torrid, romantic love affair between, say Meryl Streep and Tobey Maguire or Barbra Streisand and Brad Pitt.
