DEM BONES

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

PARTY!

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY

Bobbing For Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

MIDNIGHT?

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.

Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

"He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn, is it midnight already?'

TWENTY FUN THINGS TO DO ON HALLOWEEN

1.Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2.Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3.Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4.Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5.Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6.After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7.Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8.When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9.When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.

10.Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11.Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12.Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13.When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14.Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15.Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16.Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17.Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18.Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.

19.Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20.Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

BLOODY AWFUL

A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

SIGNS YOUR MOBLIE HOME IS HAUNTED

1. Your can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.

2. Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.

3. The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.

4. The room is spinning, and you're not even drunk yet.

5. That car in your front yard isn't on blocks. It's levitating by itself.

6. Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.

7. That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.

8. The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.

9. You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the radio.

10. The trailer is shaking, but there's no tornado in sight.

11. Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes cut in them.

12. The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin.

13. Mysterious footsteps seem to be stomping out "Achy Breaky Heart."

14. There's a funny howlin' noise comin' from the corn crib. No wait, that's just Jimmy.

15. You hear strange moaning. But only during Shania Twain videos.

16. You're missing four PBR's, and the missus only drinks Old
Milwaukee.

17. The lights turn on and off even though you paid the power bill.

18. You hear blood-curdling screams, but both neighbors are still in jail.

19. You get a mysterious phone call that says, "I know what you did last NASCAR race."

20. Instead of saying "Boo," the ghost says "Boo-ya'll!"

21. The veneer of window grime looks just like Calvin, and he's taking a leak on YOU!

22. Instead of naked women, your playing cards, all of a sudden, have
pictures of covered bridges on them.

23. The folks on Jenny Jones discuss domestic problems that eerily resemble your own.

24. You get a creepy feelin' and it ain't because that Richard Simmons is on TV.

25. You come home one day and it's clean.

PLANNING A VACATION?

Suddenly Senior's Travel Page has a lot of new money-saving information you can use whether you're traveling
10 or 10,000 miles.

HUGS, CAROLYN AND FRANK

Carolyn Kaiser carolyn@suddenlysenior.com

Frank Kaiser frank@suddenlysenior.com

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/

The nationally syndicated column read by more than three million Americans over 50 who've become senior before their time.

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